Back To Tokyo

{July 25th, 2019}

Today is my last day in Michigan. Truthfully, there’s been many times the past two years that I doubted I would ever say that again. Believing in myself has been a hard and brutal journey for me.

I was meeting some family yesterday for dinner and my ever wise grandmother took me aside to say a few things. As this was a conversation, I’ll simply paraphrase:

“I don’t know you all that well I think if I’m being truly honest, but from what I see, I think that you’re afraid that no one could ever accept you, so you don’t truly give anyone the chance. However, I can see how much you have grown to accept yourself. It’s time for you to spread your wings again.”

Though I write about it all of the time, I’m always surprised when someone clearly states what my feelings are. Because she is right. Perhaps no matter how comfortable I grow to feel in myself, I might never be comfortable with how others perceive me. I may never truly trust another human-being in my life. But, I’m also growing to accept that. I think I’m an exceptional type of crazy. And that’s something I’m still learning to be happy about.

So… I’m going back to Tokyo. The place that has felt most like home to me so far. I’m not sure how things will feel this time. Will I still feel like this place is home? I’m not sure. And I’m nervous. But I have so much I want to work on.

I want to write and publish. I’ve been working the past month or two pretty vigorously on setting up something in that area. As well as the past year sketching all sorts of things, constantly practicing drawing and thinking creatively so in hopes that I can establish myself as an artist in Tokyo.

I think my new dream is to be able to be able to support myself on my own craft. Doing what I genuinely love. And turning my mind that I used to think of as a curse into something that truly sets me apart. I don’t think I’m the type that can work under others. It makes me nervous to say my goals out loud because I’m afraid of failing and everyone seeing that I failed. But, as part of my practice, I’ve been trying to speak up about what I want and just go for it.

I will have much more alone time in Tokyo to be inside my head. I hope I can deliver all of that craziness and creativity to you.

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