From the ashes.

{December 13th, 2019}

It’s been a bit since I have written. At least some sort of blog post. I feel that all I’ve been doing lately is writing. Whether physically writing something down, or typing words across my thoughts. Do you ever picture it that way? When you’re thinking, does it ever feel like the clicks of a type writer are hitting the back of your eyelids? Is it just me?

How excited I was to fill this new blog with phots and poetry and travel stories all inspired by Japan. To truly build something a bit more coherent and perhaps build a new brand for myself of sorts. Not that I can ever escape the sad under tones, because I myself exist in this world as a sad undertone. But, I wanted my sadness to feel purposeful.

I have, in a sense, lost every single that thing that was important to me. There are lovely things that have entered my life. Two new babies, a niece and a nephew. Incredible blessings for my siblings. Though I always feel separate, when I look into my family, I see something forming there. That perhaps, after all of this time, they are beginning to truly feel to one another, like a family. Though it’s a world I don’t feel I can be apart of, it fills me with warmth to look into it and intrude on occasion.

Love, it seems, is always just out of reach for me. I don’t know how to hold onto such a thing. I can give love. But can I give it in a way that others need, consistently? I don’t really want to focus on that anymore. I am defeated in that sense. For me, seeing the people I love start families, grow in their careers, thrive in life, is what I will focus on. I don’t want to be a place for regret and longing anymore.

Everything I say lately all sounds the same. But I can’t help but keep saying it. Maybe by constantly saying my truth is the only thing that is keeping me going. But, I’m annoying myself. Am I annoying you?

For me, I’m great at crawling out of ashes. Not that I make it look graceful or that it’s some easy task for me. But, when I look through my life, it’s always what I’ve been doing. And I’m starting to wonder if that’s all I know how to do. Without constant let down, and being able to re-build myself, would I feel purpose here?

Until now I’ve always been able to say, I’m still here. I’m still fighting. Even if I don’t want to. Even if I feel like I want to die. I’m still trying.

I don’t know if that’s good enough though. The outside sees me so determined. I get told things like “your determination makes me feel motivated”. But what am I accomplishing aside from just living?

Maybe thinking I need to have an impact is too grand of me. Perhaps I’m still only living to simply fuel my ego.

Perhaps I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore.

Even if it’s delusional. Even if I don’t deserve a title so grand. Right now I want to pretend that I can be phoenix.


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